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So lately, I've been going through alot of things with multiple friends and I've been really down. I would even say I may have been borderline depressed. I get so upset and emotional with issues regarding my friends because honestly, my friends are my whole life. I don't have a very healthy relationship with anyone in my family. I'm not honest with them because they make me feel like I can't be. So I resort to my relationships with friends to get me through a day. I would absolutely kill for any one of them. I may vent from time to time about this one or that one but I feel like that is a natural thing and if I'm having an issue with one of them, I always ALWAYS talk it out with them. Bottom line is if you're a person that I consider a close friend, you can absolutely guarantee, I would get in a fight for you if some fucker came 'round and started messin'.

The past few weeks I have been super paranoid about everything. I'm pretty sure the week before spring break I had a breakdown and went CRAZY. I didn't leave my room for a week. I didn't go to class or work. I just shut down. I just came to the realization that the way I was, just wasn't cutting it. I wasn't this strong person I pretend to be when I'm with my family. I wish I could be that Chelsea always because frankly, that girl doesn't take crap from no one. She isn't scared of the future. She isn't a hopeless romantic. And she believes in herself.

But then I leave home, and *poof* that Chelsea is gone and I'm back to this hopeless heap. So anyway, I came to this realization the week before spring break and I was like "This has to change. I will never be happy with anyone including myself if I don't change right now." So I decided that I needed to have time to myself when I'm home where I'm this person I want to be. I needed to take lessons from myself. Contrary to popular belief, I canceled the plans I had originally made over spring break for this reason. And while I did go out and have fun with different groups of friends, the majority of the time I was figuring my shit out.

So now I'm back at school, I planned a birthday party for myself that I originally was not gonna do because of how empty I felt and I'm doing my work, getting my act together. And I was fine all day. Now I'm gonna come to the point of why I'm writing all this. I suddenly got REALLY down on myself and felt like some of my friends were being fairweather friends. And I was just like "Gah! Chelsea stop convincing yourself that people don't love you!" Yelling at myself didn't work. (Big surprise.) Then I got a call from someone I consider my best friend and probably the only person who understands all my feelings ever and he told me about his trip. He also told me about how he mentioned my name at one point and everyone said nice things about me. And it made me feel really great. I know that's completely selfish but ya know, sometimes I need that ego boost because I rarely ever get them or if I do, I swat them away. It made all my bad feelings disappear. And it made me realize how silly I am sometimes.

Also with figuring myself out, I decided that yeah I needed a change of who I choose to be. I know I need to be a stronger person. I know I want to be that person I am at home. But, I also decided that I don't want to stop being a hopeless romantic. Because ya know what, love is awesome! Lust is even awesome! I love having crushes. I love being in love. I like sappy movies that end with the guy getting the girl or vice versa. I like listening to love songs by Adele or A Fine Frenzy. I like sappy poems about love. I like believing that kind of shit is out there! I don't want to be dead inside. I want the person I'm with to know that I care about them. And if you're the kind of person that isn't into that then "it's called fuck you and move on to the next guy" (YEAH I JUST QUOTED THE SITUATION. WHATOFIT!?) Yeah, if I actually liked you I'll be sad for a couple weeks, but don't worry, I'll be back on my feet soon enough with even more experience! So really, I'm thanking YOU, Mr. Heartbreaker. You helped me more than you think!

Wow, what a long entry. This is the first time I've written a journal like entry in a really long time and it feels great! If you read this whole thing, you're a great friend and you should talk to me more often because I miss all of my friends always.

Loveyameanit, mwah.