Growing up is such a barbarous business, full of inconvenience....and pimples -Captain Hook

So Freshman year of high school, I went on this camping excursion in South Jersey called the Freshmen Leadership Weekend. It was probably one of the best experiences I've had in my life so far. Well, I was going through this giant box of stuff I've kept over the years for some reason or another and found all the things we were able to take away from that trip. Everyone left notes for everyone and we were supposed to put it in a bag and not read them until Senior year of high school. Well, I forgot all about them until I saw the bag o'stuff tonight. They were all the same basically saying I was a great person and that they were glad I was in their group but one was different. A boy named Lou told me I was beautiful and that he hopes we can meet again someday. I do not remember Lou at all :( I mean, it was 8 years ago. It just really touched me that he wrote what he did.

I found so many things from 7th grade to high school that I'm kind of embarrassed about/don't know why I kept them. I found 2 framed pictures of Justin Timberlake and Shia LaBeouf. lol. A bunch of pictures. Yearbooks. Old corsages. A note from Michelle Fried from freshmen year of college saying "Hanukkah is better than Christmas" <3 Some things my Gramma left for me before she died.

What made me the most sad though was I came across the bag I got from the First Year Experience at Ramapo and all the stuff I recieved was inside it still. I can't believe 4 years has gone by. It's just so crazy to me that I'm graduating in 6 days O.O I remember when I was in 6th grade praying I wouldn't have to go to the next level of schooling in fear of it being too hard. I did this until I was a senior in high school. Then I just kind of stopped being scared and just did it. But the fear has come back again. But this time it's not for a year in school, it's for REAL LIFE. In 6 days, I'm done taking the easy way out of things. I have to actually be responsible. Not that I'm not responsible now, but I do blow things off every now and then.

I'm just so scared that I'm not going to do anything important in my life. That it will all just be so meaningless. When I was in elementary/middle school, I used to be so sure that I was going to be famous one day. I wanted to be a singer, an actress, a writer, a director, an athlete...I wanted to do SOMETHING, be SOMEONE. I was so passionate about it too. Now, look at me. My current career goal is to be someone who sits at a desk from 9-5. Am I gonna be someone doing that? Where'd all my passion go? Did it decide to go away when I realized that I wasn't going to be a singer, or actress, or writer, or director, or athlete? I mean, come on, we all know I can't sing. Is it better to strive to be something that you really could never be and be passionate about it or is it better to just realize that maybe you weren't meant to be that person?

I changed my major four times throughout college from Digital Filmmaking to Psychology to Social Work to Social Science. And to be honest, I don't even know if I want to do anything with Social Science now. It's not that I lose interest in these things, I just find something new and enjoy it and want to keep pursuing that until the next thing comes along. I'm starting to realize I'm like that with alot of aspects in my life. I don't think I'm meant to do just one thing for the rest of my life. I want to do EVERYTHING! And I want to do it all at once! Or at my own speed! Wanting this though, makes it hard for me to recognize what I want from things, people, life.

But ya know, maybe this is just a phase. A phase that maybe everyone goes through. In fact, I know that I have at least 5 friends who have gone through this not-knowing-what-to-do-after-college phase and some who are still going through it. I'm trying to look on the positive side of it. Actually, out of all the things that I think about and feel about, I'm taking graduating the least hard and I think am being pretty brave about it. I'm trying to look at it as an opportunity rather than a beginning-of-the-end kind of thing. I now will have time to do my little side hobbies that I always put off because I felt bad about not doing school work. So this is good! I'll be able to start my garden, read my books, redesign my room, bond with my little sister and brother. Just things I think I need to be doing right now.

I'm not in any rush to grow up. I just know I need to get some sort of act together to give off the illusion that I'm growing up. This is all being said and written, by the way, while I'm wearing bunny ears which I've been wearing for the past 7 hours. Ha! Take that growing up!