I gotz a new blog that I'll be posting in instead of this one. Follow me ;]

http://chelieandtheblowfish.blogspot.com/

Shine on you crazy diamond

Hmm, so I guess I'll give an actual update instead of just quotes I see in music, books, movies, or tv shows that describe how I feel moreso than the words I can spit out.

It's been a very long summer and I thank the heavens that it's over. I got a job in June right after I finished school and it basically took over my life. I tried so hard to go out every night and still be able to wake up at 8am for 8 hours of work every day. And I did do just that but it lead to my imminent exhaustion. I soon realized that I can't be going out every night and call myself a functioning human being. So I stuck with just going out on weekends. And I did have plans for every weekend and it was great, something to look forward to. I was working for the weekend baby! I was having a good ole time.

I found myself traveling somewhere every weekend and never coming home. It was usually Baltimore, which has become my newfound love. I have some of the people I love most living in Maryland now AND it has such a good bar scene. I've never met so many friendly people as I have in Baltimore which is strange because of all the murder and stuff. When I'm not in Maryland, I'm hanging around a New Jersey bar somewhere with people who sure know how to have a good time.

But alas, with all these good times, at the end of the night I have nothing but bad vibes. The summer was a terrible time for me. I replaced all the sadness and emptiness I was feeling with alcohol, meaningless hookups, and fake smiles. I'm pretty positive I was clinically depressed and probably should have went to some sort of doctor about but what the fuck do they know about being happy.

I found it amazing that I could have been in a room filled with people and I still felt so incredibly lonely. So the summer got worse and worse and then the fall came and it was bittersweet, afterall it is my first fall I will not be in school. I miss it, I do. But I have to grow up at some point and realize that that time in my life is over and I have to move on to bigger and better things. Although I'm having a hard time finding the better.

I'm extremely tired all the time from work. I'm mentally exhausted. I seem to be in bed all the time when I'm not at work. It has come to the point that if I have made plans to go out during the week, I can't go home because if I do I'll go straight to bed. It's a monotonous life I live but I've been still trying to keep busy on weekends and stay social. Afterall, Mister Right is out there waiting for me! -_-

I'm getting surgery again this weekend for tumors they found in my breasts. I haven't told many people about it. And I only told 2 people about why I'm actually getting the surgery and I suppose it is sort of serious. I had a checkup earlier last week and the doctor told me that they found a tiny bit of cancer in the one tumor but it's such a small amount that they can remove it without it spreading and so that I wouldn't have to go on chemo. What a horrible thought. It's easier writing it then telling people. I also really don't want people worrying about it because everyone has their own problems, why the fuck should anyone have to deal with mine?

So that's been my life in a very small nutshell.
Anyway, how are you?

You can do anything you lucky bastard, you’re alive! What's a little pain compared to that.

I think I've been watching Six Feet Under too much or something. The past two weeks I've been getting these really horrible nightmares. And not like nightmares where there's a monster chasing you or some unrealistic thing is happening to you. The nightmares feel so real and they are totally plausible which may be why I find them so scary. Everytime I think about someone throughout a day and how much I miss them and/or love them, when I go to sleep, they either die or do something so terrible to me in my dream that it just breaks my heart right in half. I have woken up from my sleep the past 5 nights crying. They are getting so much worse.

I don't know what else to do anymore. I can't even be happy in my dreams.

Our Island of Epidemics

Though really what we wanted was to obsess over more justifiable things we used to believe we cared about. Though really what we wanted was to obsess over our obsessions even more, enough to block out everything else completely.

And we made a decision: we pushed our obsessions away from us and stumbled through the park looking for the families we said we loved, groveling for our old jobs, old lives, while in the back of our minds our obsessions pushed against our brains like tumors we didn't want to want.

Why does the sun go on shining,
Why does the sea rush to shore.
Don't they know, it's the end of the world,
Cause you don't love me anymore.

Why do the birds go on singing,
Why do the stars glow above.
Don't they know, it's the end of the world,
It ended when I lost your love.

I wake up in the morning and I wonder.
Why everything's the same as it was.
I can't understand, no I can't understand,
How life goes on the way it does.

Why does my heart go on beating,
Why do these eyes of mine cry.
Don't they know, it's the end of the world,
It ended when you said goodbye.

Why does my heart go on beating,
Why do these eyes of mine cry.
Don't they know, it's the end of the world,
It ended when you said goodbye.

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"