I gotz a new blog that I'll be posting in instead of this one. Follow me ;]

http://chelieandtheblowfish.blogspot.com/

Shine on you crazy diamond

Hmm, so I guess I'll give an actual update instead of just quotes I see in music, books, movies, or tv shows that describe how I feel moreso than the words I can spit out.

It's been a very long summer and I thank the heavens that it's over. I got a job in June right after I finished school and it basically took over my life. I tried so hard to go out every night and still be able to wake up at 8am for 8 hours of work every day. And I did do just that but it lead to my imminent exhaustion. I soon realized that I can't be going out every night and call myself a functioning human being. So I stuck with just going out on weekends. And I did have plans for every weekend and it was great, something to look forward to. I was working for the weekend baby! I was having a good ole time.

I found myself traveling somewhere every weekend and never coming home. It was usually Baltimore, which has become my newfound love. I have some of the people I love most living in Maryland now AND it has such a good bar scene. I've never met so many friendly people as I have in Baltimore which is strange because of all the murder and stuff. When I'm not in Maryland, I'm hanging around a New Jersey bar somewhere with people who sure know how to have a good time.

But alas, with all these good times, at the end of the night I have nothing but bad vibes. The summer was a terrible time for me. I replaced all the sadness and emptiness I was feeling with alcohol, meaningless hookups, and fake smiles. I'm pretty positive I was clinically depressed and probably should have went to some sort of doctor about but what the fuck do they know about being happy.

I found it amazing that I could have been in a room filled with people and I still felt so incredibly lonely. So the summer got worse and worse and then the fall came and it was bittersweet, afterall it is my first fall I will not be in school. I miss it, I do. But I have to grow up at some point and realize that that time in my life is over and I have to move on to bigger and better things. Although I'm having a hard time finding the better.

I'm extremely tired all the time from work. I'm mentally exhausted. I seem to be in bed all the time when I'm not at work. It has come to the point that if I have made plans to go out during the week, I can't go home because if I do I'll go straight to bed. It's a monotonous life I live but I've been still trying to keep busy on weekends and stay social. Afterall, Mister Right is out there waiting for me! -_-

I'm getting surgery again this weekend for tumors they found in my breasts. I haven't told many people about it. And I only told 2 people about why I'm actually getting the surgery and I suppose it is sort of serious. I had a checkup earlier last week and the doctor told me that they found a tiny bit of cancer in the one tumor but it's such a small amount that they can remove it without it spreading and so that I wouldn't have to go on chemo. What a horrible thought. It's easier writing it then telling people. I also really don't want people worrying about it because everyone has their own problems, why the fuck should anyone have to deal with mine?

So that's been my life in a very small nutshell.
Anyway, how are you?

You can do anything you lucky bastard, you’re alive! What's a little pain compared to that.

I think I've been watching Six Feet Under too much or something. The past two weeks I've been getting these really horrible nightmares. And not like nightmares where there's a monster chasing you or some unrealistic thing is happening to you. The nightmares feel so real and they are totally plausible which may be why I find them so scary. Everytime I think about someone throughout a day and how much I miss them and/or love them, when I go to sleep, they either die or do something so terrible to me in my dream that it just breaks my heart right in half. I have woken up from my sleep the past 5 nights crying. They are getting so much worse.

I don't know what else to do anymore. I can't even be happy in my dreams.

Our Island of Epidemics

Though really what we wanted was to obsess over more justifiable things we used to believe we cared about. Though really what we wanted was to obsess over our obsessions even more, enough to block out everything else completely.

And we made a decision: we pushed our obsessions away from us and stumbled through the park looking for the families we said we loved, groveling for our old jobs, old lives, while in the back of our minds our obsessions pushed against our brains like tumors we didn't want to want.

Why does the sun go on shining,
Why does the sea rush to shore.
Don't they know, it's the end of the world,
Cause you don't love me anymore.

Why do the birds go on singing,
Why do the stars glow above.
Don't they know, it's the end of the world,
It ended when I lost your love.

I wake up in the morning and I wonder.
Why everything's the same as it was.
I can't understand, no I can't understand,
How life goes on the way it does.

Why does my heart go on beating,
Why do these eyes of mine cry.
Don't they know, it's the end of the world,
It ended when you said goodbye.

Why does my heart go on beating,
Why do these eyes of mine cry.
Don't they know, it's the end of the world,
It ended when you said goodbye.

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"

I just want to stop feeling this way.

I want to be able to go somewhere and see you and her together and not be affected by it.

I want to not wish you would have treated me ONCE the way you treat her always.

I want to not cry anymore every time I come home from seeing you.

I want to have fun again when I go out.

I wish I never kissed you that night 3 years ago...



...that's not true.

I want that to be true.

We're almost twenty-three and you're still mad at me
So much that I said to you and I want to take it back now

I'll tell them that on bad mornings, it feels impossible to take pleasure in anything because I'm afraid it could be taken away. That's when I make a list in my head of every act of goodness I've seen someone do. It's like a game. Repetitive. Even a little tedious after more than twenty years.

But there are much worse games to play.

"I'd begun to think that he'd given up on me in the weeks that had passed. Or that he no longer cared about me. Hated me even. And the idea of losing him forever, my best friend, the only person I'd ever trusted with my secrets, was so painful I couldn't stand it. Not on top of everything else that had happened. I could feel my eyes tearing up and my throat starting to close the way it does when I get upset..."

I hate that I let someone make me feel so unwanted and alone as I do now.

Growing up is such a barbarous business, full of inconvenience....and pimples -Captain Hook

So Freshman year of high school, I went on this camping excursion in South Jersey called the Freshmen Leadership Weekend. It was probably one of the best experiences I've had in my life so far. Well, I was going through this giant box of stuff I've kept over the years for some reason or another and found all the things we were able to take away from that trip. Everyone left notes for everyone and we were supposed to put it in a bag and not read them until Senior year of high school. Well, I forgot all about them until I saw the bag o'stuff tonight. They were all the same basically saying I was a great person and that they were glad I was in their group but one was different. A boy named Lou told me I was beautiful and that he hopes we can meet again someday. I do not remember Lou at all :( I mean, it was 8 years ago. It just really touched me that he wrote what he did.

I found so many things from 7th grade to high school that I'm kind of embarrassed about/don't know why I kept them. I found 2 framed pictures of Justin Timberlake and Shia LaBeouf. lol. A bunch of pictures. Yearbooks. Old corsages. A note from Michelle Fried from freshmen year of college saying "Hanukkah is better than Christmas" <3 Some things my Gramma left for me before she died.

What made me the most sad though was I came across the bag I got from the First Year Experience at Ramapo and all the stuff I recieved was inside it still. I can't believe 4 years has gone by. It's just so crazy to me that I'm graduating in 6 days O.O I remember when I was in 6th grade praying I wouldn't have to go to the next level of schooling in fear of it being too hard. I did this until I was a senior in high school. Then I just kind of stopped being scared and just did it. But the fear has come back again. But this time it's not for a year in school, it's for REAL LIFE. In 6 days, I'm done taking the easy way out of things. I have to actually be responsible. Not that I'm not responsible now, but I do blow things off every now and then.

I'm just so scared that I'm not going to do anything important in my life. That it will all just be so meaningless. When I was in elementary/middle school, I used to be so sure that I was going to be famous one day. I wanted to be a singer, an actress, a writer, a director, an athlete...I wanted to do SOMETHING, be SOMEONE. I was so passionate about it too. Now, look at me. My current career goal is to be someone who sits at a desk from 9-5. Am I gonna be someone doing that? Where'd all my passion go? Did it decide to go away when I realized that I wasn't going to be a singer, or actress, or writer, or director, or athlete? I mean, come on, we all know I can't sing. Is it better to strive to be something that you really could never be and be passionate about it or is it better to just realize that maybe you weren't meant to be that person?

I changed my major four times throughout college from Digital Filmmaking to Psychology to Social Work to Social Science. And to be honest, I don't even know if I want to do anything with Social Science now. It's not that I lose interest in these things, I just find something new and enjoy it and want to keep pursuing that until the next thing comes along. I'm starting to realize I'm like that with alot of aspects in my life. I don't think I'm meant to do just one thing for the rest of my life. I want to do EVERYTHING! And I want to do it all at once! Or at my own speed! Wanting this though, makes it hard for me to recognize what I want from things, people, life.

But ya know, maybe this is just a phase. A phase that maybe everyone goes through. In fact, I know that I have at least 5 friends who have gone through this not-knowing-what-to-do-after-college phase and some who are still going through it. I'm trying to look on the positive side of it. Actually, out of all the things that I think about and feel about, I'm taking graduating the least hard and I think am being pretty brave about it. I'm trying to look at it as an opportunity rather than a beginning-of-the-end kind of thing. I now will have time to do my little side hobbies that I always put off because I felt bad about not doing school work. So this is good! I'll be able to start my garden, read my books, redesign my room, bond with my little sister and brother. Just things I think I need to be doing right now.

I'm not in any rush to grow up. I just know I need to get some sort of act together to give off the illusion that I'm growing up. This is all being said and written, by the way, while I'm wearing bunny ears which I've been wearing for the past 7 hours. Ha! Take that growing up!

I'm sorry, everyone.

I feel terrible all the time.

Everything hurts.

I used to be that person for you. Now it's like we don't even know how to talk to each other.

I fucked things up.

Edit: Some afterthoughts...

Sometimes I wonder of those times that the boy I am fond for posts things on the internet that tells of what he looks for in a girl and I'm like "Ah, I am like that! I'm that kind of girl! There's a possibility that he could like me like I like him!", I wonder if anyone says that to themselves about me when I post things.

Probably not.

I have so many things to think about. Or rather, I have so many things that I'm currently thinking about that I don't want to anymore.

I want to find this "better guy" that supposedly every person I have feelings for tells me I deserve.

Eh, whatever. I'm not gonna let this bother me anymore.

"For me, single girl means that I am constantly looking for people. Not somebody who completes me but somebody who I don’t fucking want to set on fire and who I like spending time with. I like finding those people. I never want to stop looking for those kinds of buds, even if I have one I particularly love."-The Frenemy

mer mer mer

My birthday was so wonderful yesterday.

Today started out really great in the morning, then the afternoon sucked because some people just irritate the shit out of me, then i had a really great time with Keith and Michelle for the rest of the day despite me not feeling so well, then it just all came to shit again.

Why do people find the need to mock me all the time? Don't they know they hurt my feelings when they do it. I'm so sick of it. Do they think that I don't see right through their attitudes and looks to each other. Not dealing with them anymore. I'm done. I'll let them be somebody else's fairweather friends.

I have a problem. I'm not supposed to be feeling like this! Go away!

You ever have to pretend you're feeling the opposite of what you actually feel for the sake of other people.

Stupid feelings.

Sadsadsad

All da Single Ladiez

I think I'm ready to be single. I mean, I've been single for quite some time now. But for the first time in a while, I actually feel it. Like I've always had someone there, whether I was dating them or not, to just fall back on. Or even felt like I had an obligation to stay monogamous because I guess that's just how I am. I often feel like if I'm hooking up with someone for several months that maybe I shouldn't be hooking up with other people. It's just been a personal belief of mine. But in the past couple months, I haven't been thinking that way and it kind of got me upset because I thought that I was doing something wrong. Like I actually felt bad. But for what reason? I'm not committed to anyone. I have no obligation to be faithful to one person because God knows these people are not faithful to me. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not just sleeping with random people. I know I never want to get to that level. But I realize now that I often make myself feel bad for things that I just shouldn't have to feel bad about, ya know?

I also am going by this new motto when it comes to relationships of "If he likes you, he'll make it a point to be with you." And it's been working out pretty well. I've never felt more free than I have in the past couple weeks and it's great. Nothing bothers me. Well, not nothing. A few things bother me but I don't let these things ruin my day anymore.

I've also been feeling great because I started to go to the gym everyday except weekends. I guess it keeps my energy flowing..sort of. I thought that after I maybe started going to the gym and worked out everyday, that I wouldn't feel so tired all the time. But that's not the case. I think I'm just eternally tired. Which is fine because sleeping is like my favorite thing to do.

Alright, I think that's all for today.

(Subject Title)

So lately, I've been going through alot of things with multiple friends and I've been really down. I would even say I may have been borderline depressed. I get so upset and emotional with issues regarding my friends because honestly, my friends are my whole life. I don't have a very healthy relationship with anyone in my family. I'm not honest with them because they make me feel like I can't be. So I resort to my relationships with friends to get me through a day. I would absolutely kill for any one of them. I may vent from time to time about this one or that one but I feel like that is a natural thing and if I'm having an issue with one of them, I always ALWAYS talk it out with them. Bottom line is if you're a person that I consider a close friend, you can absolutely guarantee, I would get in a fight for you if some fucker came 'round and started messin'.

The past few weeks I have been super paranoid about everything. I'm pretty sure the week before spring break I had a breakdown and went CRAZY. I didn't leave my room for a week. I didn't go to class or work. I just shut down. I just came to the realization that the way I was, just wasn't cutting it. I wasn't this strong person I pretend to be when I'm with my family. I wish I could be that Chelsea always because frankly, that girl doesn't take crap from no one. She isn't scared of the future. She isn't a hopeless romantic. And she believes in herself.

But then I leave home, and *poof* that Chelsea is gone and I'm back to this hopeless heap. So anyway, I came to this realization the week before spring break and I was like "This has to change. I will never be happy with anyone including myself if I don't change right now." So I decided that I needed to have time to myself when I'm home where I'm this person I want to be. I needed to take lessons from myself. Contrary to popular belief, I canceled the plans I had originally made over spring break for this reason. And while I did go out and have fun with different groups of friends, the majority of the time I was figuring my shit out.

So now I'm back at school, I planned a birthday party for myself that I originally was not gonna do because of how empty I felt and I'm doing my work, getting my act together. And I was fine all day. Now I'm gonna come to the point of why I'm writing all this. I suddenly got REALLY down on myself and felt like some of my friends were being fairweather friends. And I was just like "Gah! Chelsea stop convincing yourself that people don't love you!" Yelling at myself didn't work. (Big surprise.) Then I got a call from someone I consider my best friend and probably the only person who understands all my feelings ever and he told me about his trip. He also told me about how he mentioned my name at one point and everyone said nice things about me. And it made me feel really great. I know that's completely selfish but ya know, sometimes I need that ego boost because I rarely ever get them or if I do, I swat them away. It made all my bad feelings disappear. And it made me realize how silly I am sometimes.

Also with figuring myself out, I decided that yeah I needed a change of who I choose to be. I know I need to be a stronger person. I know I want to be that person I am at home. But, I also decided that I don't want to stop being a hopeless romantic. Because ya know what, love is awesome! Lust is even awesome! I love having crushes. I love being in love. I like sappy movies that end with the guy getting the girl or vice versa. I like listening to love songs by Adele or A Fine Frenzy. I like sappy poems about love. I like believing that kind of shit is out there! I don't want to be dead inside. I want the person I'm with to know that I care about them. And if you're the kind of person that isn't into that then "it's called fuck you and move on to the next guy" (YEAH I JUST QUOTED THE SITUATION. WHATOFIT!?) Yeah, if I actually liked you I'll be sad for a couple weeks, but don't worry, I'll be back on my feet soon enough with even more experience! So really, I'm thanking YOU, Mr. Heartbreaker. You helped me more than you think!

Wow, what a long entry. This is the first time I've written a journal like entry in a really long time and it feels great! If you read this whole thing, you're a great friend and you should talk to me more often because I miss all of my friends always.

Loveyameanit, mwah.